If you’ve ever felt tension at your school, church, or board meetings, you’re not alone. Conflict has been part of church life since the very beginning. Nearly 2,000 years ago, St. Paul’s letters reveal a church already grappling with leadership, hospitality, and inclusion – challenges that remain today. Recognize that tension is a sign of passion. People only argue about the things they care about.
Still, if conflict is normal, it rarely feels like a blessing. The key is learning to live with tension without allowing it to tear your communities apart.
In a recent In Trust Center webinar, Ann Garrido, D.Min., associate professor of homiletics at Aquinas Institute of Theology and Director of the Aquinas Children’s Worship Partnership in St. Louis, Mo., offers five ways to manage tough conversations.
Recognize that conflict is unavoidable: Go in expecting disagreement and complexity, not perfect harmony, and prepare to be grounded and calm.
Right-size your goals: Instead of trying to change someone’s mind (which seldom works), aim to learn something new, share your perspective honestly, and invite the other person to be a partner in finding a solution.
Think like a journalist: Go into the conversation with curiosity. Ask questions. Assume there’s something you don’t know. This approach cools down the emotional temperature quickly.
Make room for emotions: Strong feelings are normal in tough conversations. Acknowledge them; it helps everyone feel heard and reduces the heat of the situation.
Use the word “and” instead of “but”: It’s possible someone had good intentions and still caused harm. Holding space for both can keep conversations from turning defensive.
Focus on contributions, not blame: Blame divides. Look at all the contribuing factors and open the door for accountability and change.
Have compassion for yourself: Garrido says these conversations aren’t easy, even for seasoned leaders; it’s OK to pause and circle back later. The concern and consideration will keep your community’s passion alive without letting the tension pull it apart.
You can listen to the full webinar at intrust.org
